


Bitter Peaches

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Redeemed Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 10:36:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10592241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Ben Solo was looking for other Force users when he set off on that journey with Poe Dameron. He didn't think that he would have to confront something on Dantooine from their pasts -- something they both haven't spoken of in years.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fromstars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromstars/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author's Notes: Written for the prompt: "Ben's return to the light embraces the grey. While Finn and Rey take up reforming the Jedi order, Ben takes another route and asks Poe - the galaxy's best pilot - to join him.
> 
> Together they're going to search the Galaxy not for the remnants of the Jedi, but for signs of *other* users of the force. Their journey may also lead them to Correllia, the planet of Han Solo, and Ben's other family heritage...
> 
> Hijinks, non-Jedi force user history, and romance ensue."
> 
> This actually got on the angsty side; I figured that Ben would be carrying some residual damage from his ordeal, as would Poe. Also decided to borrow a bit from KOTOR for this; Ben's line about if there's a place in Poe's future for him was semi-inspired by Bastila's line from KOTOR. (If I recall correctly)

When he heads out into the galaxy with Poe, it’s half-necessity, half-running away. It’s half-needing to build a new Order

_where Rey and Finn are rebuilding the old Jedi Order, hopefully not making the mistakes of the past all over again_

half-needing to get away from the galaxy. Poe, meanwhile...

Ben (if he can still call himself Ben; he knows he can’t quite call himself Kylo either) supposes that the best he can say is that Poe feels obligated somehow. He doesn’t have to. Ben could have taken any other pilot, though Rey was determined to go elsewhere and find any other surviving Jedi out there, if there were any at all.

(Snoke had been determined to not let the Jedi rise again, Ben knows that much. It had been part of why he had been so obsessed with finding Luke Skywalker -- why Kylo Ren had, for that matter)

As for who he is...

For all intents and purposes, he’s not really Ben Solo nor is he Kylo Ren. He’s Kylo-Ben, he’s Ben-Kylo, he’s a mixture, he’s someone who came out the other side and inexplicably lived through all this. He’s a strange mixture of someone who doesn’t know who he is anymore.

Just because you got away from Snoke doesn’t mean that all your problems are miraculously solved, after all. It doesn't mean the scars disappear. It doesn’t mean that everything’s okay. The Resistance managed to do some facial reconstruction to mend the scar he acquired on Starkiller, as well as heal some of the other scars that he acquired, but the emotional scars...

The emotional scars are definitely harder to clean out. Ben didn’t know it then, but he knows it now.

By the stars, does he know it now.

***  
They are still trying to get back on track with one another, and Poe knows that he has all sorts of mixed feelings about Ben. Other beings in Black Squadron are still pretty stunned themselves that Ben is Kylo Ren. The funny, opinionated, vibrant young Jedi who turned into a monster. They’re still hesitating to approach him, but Poe can hear the whispers.

_How? How could Ben Solo, of all beings, have done this?_

That’s something that Poe himself is trying to come to grips with.

Ben still flinches when Poe gets too close sometimes. And even after what he’s done, Poe can’t help but feel a painful sort of clench in his chest just looking at him, how he seems to shrink back. It’s not like Ben’s even a tiny man, and yet he seems almost tiny whenever he shrinks back. It’s enough to hurt Poe just looking at him. There isn’t any satisfaction to get out of seeing Ben like this.

It only makes him hate Snoke more. Seeing Ben flinch like he’s trying to make himself small. Like he wants to retreat into his shell and never come out again.

_Well, is it Snoke? What if you --_

_No. I love him dearly. Even now._

_I love him._

And that knowledge is enough to startle him. Even as he looks at Ben, who’s asleep in the copilot’s seat of the Falcon, seeming so peaceful and so still. Poe is struck by how beautiful he is, only accentuated in the light of the Falcon’s console. The blue light does fascinating things to his moon-pale skin, his black hair falling in waves around his face.

He looks down at Ben, brushing away a strand of hair from his eyes, and he feels a sort of need for him that tugs at his chest. When he learned from General Organa who exactly Kylo Ren was, he had felt a sort of mixture of shock, grief, denial, anger...

And he still feels that.

_I loved you so much and you broke my heart._

_I still love you._

BB-8 rolls up towards him and dwoos softly. Poe gives him a sad smile. “I’m okay, buddy,” he says.

He’s not, in truth.

But hopefully, he will be.

***  
Ben admits that he can’t quite get to sleep very well.

At least, when he wakes, he admits that when he usually gets to sleep, it’s unpleasant, to say the least. At least now the images of Snoke are minimal. Just residuals from his time spent with someone he loved and hated in equal measure.

After Starkiller Base, and losing to Rey there, for example. It had not been losing to her that Snoke was angriest about, but the fact that he had been so very nearly tempted to come back with Dad, that he had been so very nearly tempted to come home.

He can still remember what Snoke said all too well. “ _I would have given you the galaxy in the palm of my hand, and yet it was not enough for you, was it? Is nothing enough for you?”_

_“Supreme Leader, I didn’t -- ’’_

_“How dare you try and betray me?”_

And, “ _You are mine, Kylo Ren, no other’s. They struggled over you, but you gave yourself to me willingly.”_ All intimately, all softly, as he did usually to Ben then, in contrast to how he spoke to Hux -- cold and detached. The sort that told Ren that he was his favorite above all others, at least on a good day.

It had been one of those things that the ex-Supreme Leader had done. And though he is incarcerated now, Ben knew that he would feel those scars for quite some time. The memories, as well as many other memories, seeping through his mind. Some wounds can't be completely cleaned out. This is one of them.

***  
They are coming up on Corellia, and they’re already having breakfast, one of those things where they don’t have to have emergency rations (thank the stars, those things taste like dust), but can have something close to a real breakfast. Something close, of course.

Ben eats, and Poe cannot help but watch even as he does so. There is a certain way that he eats that’s, in the past, made his mouth part of Poe’s increasingly filthy dreams back when they were both young adults. How soft and full it is, how sweet-looking. It reminds him too well of Dantooine, when Master Skywalker and his Order temporarily visited there, and Ben was having one of the peaches on Dantooine. They were both picking peaches, Ben being eighteen at the time and Poe twenty-one, eating some while catching up with life in the Order and life in the Republic fleet, and Poe had watched the juices dripping down Ben’s chin and watched those full, sensuous lips, and he burned even more for Ben. He already had feelings for Ben, but they now changed from fluttery to making Poe all but frustrated with desire. How he wanted, how he ached, how it filled him with a different sort of hunger, a sort of hunger for Ben that pulled and ached.

He can also remember how sweet Ben tasted when they kissed as well -- how he tasted like Dantooine peaches and how he wanted more of that taste, more of the warmth of that beautiful Jedi in his arms, more of the softness and silkiness of Ben’s hair between his fingers. He can remember what Ben said the night after they had kissed for the first time -- “ _We shouldn’t have done it. We shouldn’t have...”_

Ben had good as captured his heart and wouldn’t let go. And here he was saying that “we shouldn’t have done it” when yes, they should have, yes, they needed to do it. Even remembering that is enough to still rankle Poe. Ben loved him too, Poe knew he did, it was there in those dark brown eyes that could make Poe’s heart flutter when they looked at him. And yet he acted as if they had done something wrong...

There’s nothing wrong with what they did. There’s everything wrong with what Kylo Ren did, and even some stuff wrong with what Poe Dameron did. But the kiss they shared on Dantooine isn’t one of them.

There was nothing wrong with the fact that Poe loved him.

There was nothing wrong with the fact that he loved the way Ben laughed, the way he smiled, the way he gestured with his hands occasionally as he talked, the things he said that could make Poe laugh or melt his heart or anything like that, there was nothing wrong with anything that Poe felt.

As for now...

If there is anything wrong, it’s the fact that Poe doesn’t know what to do with these feelings anymore. Hating the man who hurt him on more levels than one, loving the man who came before, and not knowing what to do with the man who’s come after.

When they were both young adults, Ben broke his heart, and when they were both older adults, Ben broke his heart again. Poe can’t say he knows how to feel about him sometimes. Despising him, loving him. Maybe it’s just one of those things that can’t be reconciled. Maybe it’s one of those things that like Light and Dark has to coexist with each other. Love and hate, love and anger. Some things really seem to be meant to be entwined.

Ben’s voice jolts him back to reality. The sort of voice that can just do so many wonderful things and so many awful things to him. The sort of voice that, when they were both young adults, reminded him of an angel’s, just with the sweetness of it, the musical quality.

Ben’s brow is furrowed, as if he’s wondering what about Poe watching him eat is so fascinating, and he also seems concerned. “Poe?”

It’s the first time Poe’s noticed that he’s barely touched his plate.

***  
Corellia is a fascinating place, beautiful. Even touring it, Ben wonders why he was never allowed this part of his heritage before. Then again, there was so much of his heritage that was denied to him, including the matter of Vader.

He can forgive his mother this time. After she explained it to him, he can forgive her. Forgiveness is a strange and complicated thing (stars knows that his mother, Rey, Finn, Poe and others know that more than anything, regarding him), but he can forgive her. He can understand. She thought she was protecting him, giving him the chance of a “normal” life. She didn’t, ultimately, but he can understand.

In the process, he reads about Bonnie Solo, and her family -- his family, whether he likes it or not.

_he realizes that lor san tekka was right, in a way. he couldn’t deny the truth that was his family_

He reads about how his father survived out on the streets after being orphaned at a young age, how he had managed to survive, how he had managed to find a surrogate family with the Wookiees -- with Chewbacca’s family.

(He still can’t say the name “Chewie”. Somehow, he feels unworthy of saying that name)

He reads about how his paternal grandmother struggled to provide for her family, how his paternal grandfather did so as well. That was before they had been killed, leaving their young child an orphan.

It was one of those things that Ben can’t help but admire his father for. Being able to survive like that. Being able to live. He doesn’t like some of the stuff that his father did, things like the abandonment, the frequent absences to go racing under the excuse of “working”, things of that nature, but he can appreciate what his father did to survive.

_and he knows that his father loved him all along_

And Ben also reads up on the different branches of the Force. The Baran-Do, the Jal Shey, the Aing-Tii, the Bendu, the Imwists...just to name a few.

Reading up on the different sorts of Force users is fascinating, and it is the first time that Ben has realized that there is indeed something outside what he’s been taught. His mother could have sent him to any of those groups, but instead he was sent to the Jedi.

It wasn’t as if it was all bad. But at the same time, the sheer amount of hypocrisy, rules, regulations and more was enough to make Ben feel trapped, as claustrophobic as he first felt in his mask as Kylo Ren. You could throw someone to the side after satisfying your lust with them, but loving them? That was the path to the Dark Side. He can still remember what his father said

_and even that is enough to make Ben feel as if his chest is being squeezed in a vise_

about how “nothing about the damn Code makes any sense” and “honestly, kid, just be a good being. If there is a mystical energy shield controlling everything, I don’t think it cares about your love life”.

Would the Force care about anyone’s love life? That’s a question that Ben hasn’t even thought to ask. He’s always tried so hard to be good enough, he’s always tried so hard to make his mother proud of him just so maybe, just maybe, she won’t think of him as having too much Vader in him.

And then later there was Snoke. Trading one elusive parental figure for another. Trading one figure you were trying to get approval out of for another.

Maybe in the end, he hadn’t truly belonged to either side. And that realization hurts most of all.  
***  
Days pass. They’re still searching for other Force users on Corellia, any of the ones that Ben just researched, and things are getting even more frustrating for Poe, because it’s as if old feelings, old feelings he never really forgot, have been resurrected.

He wants Ben. How he wants Ben. It’s torture, this conflict he’s in, and he’s so deeply lost in it. Even when they accidentally touch, Poe wants to hold him, or to be held by him. A stare held too long and Poe wants to reclaim that taste.

It’s one day that they’re arguing over something already pretty bad -- something fell off the Falcon, because of course something always has to fall off the Falcon -- when Ben, ever perceptive, says, “This isn’t about the Falcon, is it?”

Poe pauses. He’s right. It’s like every grievance against Ben is already bubbling up.

“No stang,” he says. “You think that you can just waltz back to the Resistance after you just betrayed us all like that, destroyed our lives?”

“Poe, I -- ’’

“After you destroyed your mother’s life? After you destroyed so many others’ lives?”

 _And mine,_ he thinks. He looks up into those eyes, eyes that have in the past left him completely enchanted, and he says, “How could you?”

Ben looks at him. “I didn’t like it,” he says.

“That’s all you have to say?” Poe says. “ ‘I didn’t like it’? Why did you do it, then?”

“I wanted to get the map.”

“And how did that work out? Not well, right?”

Ben shakes his head.

Poe takes advantage of the opportunity. “You have no idea how badly that messed with me, when I found out who you really were. I thought you were dead; if I had any idea what really happened to you, what you did -- ’’

“I didn’t like that either,” Ben says. “No, that’s an understatement. I hated doing both, Poe. Both what I did at the Academy, and what I did on that ship. I did them because...”

“Because what?” Poe almost doesn’t want to hear the answer. And yet he needs to. He needs to know why Ben did this. What would make this gentle, kind, wonderful man, the man that Poe fell in love with, do all these horrible, absolutely awful things.

Ben is silent for a while. He seems ashamed, vulnerable, and very, very alone. Then, “Because I thought I was doing my job.”

“You didn’t have to.” Poe takes Ben’s hands -- it’s amazing how they can be such large hands and yet such graceful ones, ones with such elegance and ease. Hands that can wield a lightsaber too easily, or stroke a lock of hair away from Poe’s face before he kissed him. “You could have walked away at any time.”

“It wasn’t that simple.”

“Then how? I don’t understand.”

Silence. Then, “Because I was tainted. Nothing. Do you think that there is still any chance of saving me?”

“You wouldn’t be out here if you weren’t trying to do the right thing.” And despite himself, Poe feels himself softening. He still hates what Ben did, but he can’t help but feel his chest clench. Ben doesn’t deserve to be like this. Ben doesn’t deserve to be brought so low, let alone calling himself _tainted_ \--

He reaches up and brushes a lock of hair away from Ben’s face. “You’re not tainted.”

“You’re too good to me. I never -- I never should have done what I did to you. I...” Ben pauses, as if he’s about to say something else. Then, “I’m sorry, Poe. I don’t know if apologies are enough to make up for what I did to you, but I am sorry.”

Poe swallows. He can’t help but feel that Ben was on the verge of a declaration, but still...

“Thank you, Ben,” he says. “Thank you.”

“I owed you one for a while now.” Then, “Is there anything else I can -- ’’

“Yes. Just...don’t leave me again.” Losing him once was agony. Losing him twice...

Poe doesn’t want to think about what would happen if he lost him twice.

Ben’s eyes grow softer. Then, “I won’t.”

***  
Ben is in a pretty good mood the next day. They’ve managed to recruit some new Force users, this time Imwists (followers of a religion based off Chirrut Imwe, one of many beings who perished getting the Death Star plans to Ben’s mother), to join them. Katriona and Jarred, they’re called. It’s a small start, but at least it’s a start.

And perhaps he can begin making up for what he’s done. He can’t count how many wrongs he committed in the name of the ends justifying the means. Maybe he can do something right for a change.

They’re having a celebration of Poe’s Naming Day -- he’s thirty-three now (and Ben realizes he’s coming up on thirty. Has that much time passed? He was twenty-three when he ultimately made his choice to join Snoke, and he can still remember how young and uncertain he truly was, and how deeply in love with Poe at that) and they’re dancing. Ben watches, just content to watch. He isn’t much of a dancer.

Poe turns to look at him from where Katriona is teaching him to dance, and he smiles, the sort of smile that never failed in the past to show how precious Ben was to him. Precious, more precious than Ben thinks. Then, “Ben, get over here. I want you to dance with me.”

Ben’s heart flutters despite himself, even as he makes his way through the crowd, whose eyes are currently fixed on him. Poe takes his hand, and Ben’s heart...it feels like it’s already beating out of control. It reminds him too much of when he was just nineteen, a year after the kiss they never should have shared, and every touch they had was like a quiet request to understand, to let the other love them, to acknowledge the feelings that they left locked up for too long.

The song that plays is slower this time, and they are so very close together. Ben’s heart isn’t just fluttering, but beating rapidly in his chest. He’s almost forgotten the days when his relationship with Poe turned from “really good friends, best friends actually” to “this man makes me understand why we have the phrase ‘mynocks in your stomach’.” The way Poe laughs, the way Poe smiles, the way Poe sees the good in everyone no matter who they are, the way he can crack a joke, the way he kept believing in Ben back at the Academy even when Ben kept pushing him away at times...

They dance, and they’re not perfect; they occasionally step on the other’s toes, to much laughter and wincing involved, but eventually they get it right, and they are moving to the melody too smoothly. Poe’s lips are inches away from Ben’s, and he longs to lean down and kiss them, kiss those full lips...

He draws away. He wants this bliss, and yet is he good enough for it? Pure enough? The beautiful man in his arms looks up at him and he’s wondering if there’s a future Ben has envisioned with him in it. _I want this...but is there a future with me loving him? Does he love me?_

They excuse themselves, and head out towards the balcony. Ben is almost relieved; inside is so very crammed, almost suffocating, and outside...

Outside, he can collect himself.

***  
Outside, they can collect themselves, and Poe is struck by how lovely the sunset looks on Corellia. Ben leans against the railing, and Poe can’t help but watch him, watch as the sunset brings a certain sort of glow to his dark hair, to his smooth, pale skin. It’s probably not that surprising that Ben can enchant and enthrall him, even now.

“Glad we’re out of the crowd?” Ben says wryly.

Poe nods.

“I can’t say I blame you. I mean, this...there’s something about the crowd...” Ben rubs his temples. “A lot of beings there. A lot of thoughts. A lot of voices.”

Poe nods, again. He doesn’t know what it’s like.

“It’s strange, just being around others again. At least, the way I was previously.”

“You’ll get used to it,” Poe says. He can sympathize. He knows that the crowd got overwhelming after a long while.

“Maybe.” Ben goes silent. There’s something about it that makes Poe want to comfort him. Then, “I want to do what I can to make up for everything I did. Even if it’s not enough. And I want you to have a place in that future.”

This is everything twenty-one-year-old Poe would have wanted to hear and more. “Ben...”

“I was so stupid pushing you away like that. The truth is, I cared for you too. I was afraid, though. I had so many conflicting messages on the subject of attachment, on the subject of love...” Ben runs a hand through his hair. “You can use someone for your pleasure, but you can’t fall in love with them. Confusing, isn’t it?” He smiles weakly even as he says it.

“Yeah.” Everything about the Jedi that Ben told him didn’t make sense then. Poe doesn’t know if it will make sense now. He wishes Rey and Finn the best, at any rate. He wishes them that, with all his heart.

“I couldn’t do that,” Ben says. “I simply couldn’t. You said you loved me that day on Dantooine. I...” He looks down, then looks back at Poe, eyes as wide and earnest as Poe’s ever seen them. “I love you, Poe. I never stopped.”

“After all this time?”

“Yes.”

And it’s then that Poe realizes exactly what else Ben was wanting to say that day he apologized. _I love you._ Simple as that.

“Is there still a place in your future for me as well, Poe?” Ben’s forehead brushes against Poe’s own. Poe’s breath hitches; they’re so close. As close as they were that day on Dantooine. Poe can remember too well the feeling of closeness before their lips met, Ben’s body warm against his. “Do you love me?”

“Yes.” _Always, yes._

Their lips touch, and Ben tastes so sweet, so tender and soft, and Poe runs his hands through Ben’s hair and imagines how messy Ben will look when they get back. This beautiful man is his, and his alone, and Poe’s heart feels as if it’s in full bloom, and --

The kiss breaks, and Poe is gasping. Gasping and loving it. Tasting of Ben and loving every second of it.

“We should get back,” Ben says. “They’re probably wondering where we’ve been.”

“Yeah.” Poe grins, brilliantly, and takes Ben’s hand. “Let’s.”

They head back in, even as the sun begins to set on Corellia.

 

 

 


End file.
